


I can’t give you the kind of love you need

by orphan_account



Series: tell me your story [2]
Category: ATEEZ (Band)
Genre: M/M, Mingi gets spicy thoughts but doesn’t act on it, Self-Esteem Issues, actually no its great that it isnt pls cry its healthy, also my brand, because thats my brand, i wrote this instead of crying, not quite self-hatred yet, that should be a tag
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-20
Updated: 2019-04-20
Packaged: 2020-01-20 15:05:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,544
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18527518
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Mingi, Hongjoong, and the “I’m Not Good Enough” Phenomenon.





	I can’t give you the kind of love you need

**Author's Note:**

> Takes place during LOML chap 3, during the night they spent together. I don’t think this could be a standalone fic but idk you can try lmao

The thing about Hongjoong is, sometimes, he looks at Mingi like he is the best thing that has ever happened, and other times, he looks at Mingi like he’s a fucking disgrace. He looks at Mingi like he’s stupid. And when that happens, Mingi looks at himself in the mirror, and sees the same thing.

 

_ Stupid. _

 

He doesn’t get it. He tries really hard, writing and producing his own songs, because that is what Hongjoong does, and he does them well. Mingi just wants to impress his hyung. They’re the group’s rappers, after all. He doesn’t want to be left behind. He looks up to his hyung, because his hyung is great, his hyung is talented and kind, his heart brimming with love and affection, his tiny little hands capable of making such amazing,  _ big _ things.

 

Mingi likes Hongjoong very much. And despite everything, he knows his hyung likes him too. Hyung always has his back, always there to catch him when he falls too hard. Hyung never turns him away.

 

It’s okay that hyung thinks Mingi is stupid. Sometimes, he agrees. He tries hard to shake that off, make his hyung realize that he’s more than that. He works hard to appear as capable as his hyung, prove himself to the older boy, and hopefully, he’d stop being the idiot dongsaeng.

 

He just wants to be good enough.

 

He wants to be able to stand on his own two feet, because he sees the way Hongjoong himself becomes helpless, when Mingi chooses the worst time to be a fuck up, when Mingi chooses to embarrass him in front of the producers. He couldn’t help it, when he looks pleadingly at Hongjoong for help, because he doesn’t know how to save himself.

 

And he appreciates it a lot, how Hongjoong always tries to help. It would be better, though, if he knew how to do it himself. It gets tiring sometimes.

 

Mingi doesn’t want to keep being a detriment to the group. He doesn’t want to keep being the inexperienced dongsaeng that constantly needs guidance and help. He hates the way Hongjoong looks at him, the way the producers look at him. Always, with a cringe, with a shake of the head.

 

“Work harder,” they tell him.

 

He hates dragging everyone down. He hates when Hongjoong feels bad for him, pities him. And he knows Hongjoong means well, when he finds himself sitting on Jongho’s bed as Hongjoong delivers a sugary sappy speech about how mistakes are crucial to learning, all that bullshit, and how he completely understands how it feels because he’s been there before. Mingi hates that.

 

What does he know? Hongjoong always prided himself about being a capable leader. He could sing, write songs, help around with the choreography and stuff. What does he mean then, when he flashes Mingi his sad eyes and tells him he understands?

 

The thing about Hongjoong is that he keeps playing Jesus. He acts all mighty and humble when he needs to be, when he knows it’ll make him look good, then he steps down on others when he knows they’re upright and doing well. It’s a confusing thing—Mingi just wants to know,  _ what do you mean? _

 

He hates it, because it feels like Hongjoong is just constantly looking down at him. It’s like Hongjoong isn’t trying to take him under his wing, instead he’s silently judging him and not because he wants to offer helpful criticism. It’s driving Mingi crazy.

 

Mingi likes Hongjoong, but he hates him all the same. Hongjoong can look at him like he’s stupid all he wants, but Mingi knows he’s more than that. He knows more than his hyung lets him on. He knows he walked in on something that night. He knows that his two oldest hyungs are hiding something.

 

And still, at the end of the day, he crawls back to Hongjoong for help, because he’s still the stupid dongsaeng, no matter how hard he works, no matter how much he knows. He’s still stupid and useless, still the same ugly, worthless Mingi. Everything he does will never be enough.

 

When Hongjoong speaks, Mingi tries not to stare too much. He likes his hyung, maybe a lot more than he should, especially for someone who’s supposed to hate the other. He couldn’t help it—he’s torn between looking up to Hongjoong, wanting to devour him, and wishing he doesn’t exist. Mingi’s mind is in shambles. But at the moment, as Hongjoong pours his ever wise words at him, Mingi wants nothing more than to become something else for his hyung. Anything, but the fool he’s made himself to be.

 

_ Maybe, take Seonghwa-hyung’s place? Sit Hongjoong-hyung on his lap, fuck him through their clothes— _

 

He takes Hongjoong’s hands—pretty, tiny, delicate, fragile-looking hands—and brushes his lips against them. He thinks about holding them, fingers intertwined, out in the open, in front of the boys, in front of the whole world. He doesn’t hate Hongjoong that much, at least not in times like these. It’s just so easy to hate someone who has everything that you don’t.

 

It’s understandable, isn’t it? It is.

 

Sometimes, he thinks Hongjoong doesn’t like him at all. He feels more like a novelty, someone Hongjoong just likes to keep around to make him feel better about himself. When Hongjoong is feeling especially generous, he plays along with Mingi’s silly games. He sprinkles advice here and there, flashes a smile or two, offers some tips where Mingi needed help. Other times, he pushes Mingi away without explanation, and then he gives him that look, the one that makes Mingi question his self-worth.

 

But Mingi likes him too much. He wants to please Hongjoong, impress him, make his eyes go wide with wonder, or narrow down into crescents with how big his smile is.

 

It makes his heart jump, the way Hongjoong sometimes looks at him with a fond expression, and for a moment, Mingi forgets everything he was thinking. His heart goes even wilder, when Hongjoong’s face breaks into a smile, reaching at Mingi’s face and pinching painfully at his cheek.

 

“Cute,” Hongjoong says, easily, because it doesn’t matter to him, because he isn’t aware how fast Mingi’s heart is beating. Mingi just wants to kiss him dizzy.

 

“Hyung, can you—“ He hesitates. He can’t, not now, not ever. Instead, he asks, “Can I sleep here?”

 

“Sure. Just don’t kick me, or hog the blanket.”

 

When Hongjoong turns to his other side, Mingi wastes no time to scoot closer. Hongjoong relaxes against him.

 

Mingi just wants to matter to him. He just craves validation from someone who knows everything and is good at it. What’s there for Hongjoong to lose? Nothing, and he gains a loyal disciple behind him too.

 

But Hongjoong doesn’t seem too keen on accepting love and appreciation. Instead, he looks annoyed. He deflects Mingi’s praise.

 

What does he want, then? Mingi doubts he’d appreciate it either if he just went and said,  _ you’re right, hyung, you really aren’t all that. _

 

It’s annoying. And now,  _ he’s  _ annoyed. He wants to take Hongjoong by the shoulders and shake him awake, because he clearly doesn’t know what he’s saying. By claiming that he also just as lost, he belittles the struggles of people who actually are. It’s insensitive. Just say you’re amazing and talented and go, how hard could it be? Sometimes, Mingi tries to tell himself that everyone has insecurities, but it’s so difficult to think that way, especially for people like Hongjoong. He’s already perfect, what more does he want? How greedy could he get?

 

In the silence, Mingi confesses, “Sometimes, I want to disappear.”

 

He waits for the wise words to pour in. Instead, Hongjoong replies, “I want that too. Sometimes.”

 

Because other than being fake humble, he has to be selfish too. He has to make everything about himself too. It’s a pattern he doesn’t realize. Every time he tries to give advice, he waters down other people’s struggles because  _ I go through that too. _ It always has to be about himself. He thinks he’s helping—he’s not. He’s making everything worse. Mingi feels bad about himself even more, because it makes him feel as though he’s not allowed to suffer, because Hongjoong makes it sound as though everyone goes through the same thing.

 

In other words,  _ you’re not special. _

 

Mingi hates it. It’s all he could think about, even as Hongjoong takes his arm and presses kisses along it.

 

And it feels like taunting, they way Hongjoong lists down what he thinks Mingi is. Talented and amazing, Hongjoong says, as he kisses the tickling skin of Mingi’s arm. He says it like it means something to him, but to Mingi, it comes out as mean. Mingi doesn’t like it.

 

But Mingi likes the way his skin burns when Hongjoong’s lips brushes against it, the way he feels warm underneath his clothing with how they’re pressed up against each other, the way his front is flush against Hongjoong’s back.

 

He watches the way Hongjoong looks back up at him, as he kisses Mingi’s fingers. It doesn’t mean anything to him, and Mingi hates that, because he wants it to be something.

 

He just wants to matter to Hongjoong.

**Author's Note:**

> [curiouscat](https://curiouscat.me/lazlozuli) | [twt](https://twitter.com/lazlozuli)


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